KEYNES: Hey Mr. Moscoso, thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to not actually speak to me today.

MOSCOSO: No call me ‘Meeester Moscoso’. I prefer you call me ‘De Guillermo’.

K: Of course, no problem, Guillermo. My first que…

M: (interrupting me) No is Guillermo. Is ‘De Guillermo’. Like choo no go to store, choo go to ‘de store’. Choo deeg?

K: My apologies, The Guillermo. Now, for my first quest…

M: Mush better. Now you ask question, then you pay me, right?

K: …That’s not what we agreed to, I’m sorry but I won’t be able to pay you for this interview…

M: No pay De Guillermo? Oh, De Guillermo have fassball in future for you, my frien’!

K: Maybe there’s something else we could work out, I could talk about you a little more on the blogs, get you name out there a little more…

M: Or I dance wit your gir-frien’.

K: …I’m sure something could be worked out. Could you elaborate on the success you’ve had at the Triple A level this year?

M: No.

K: This… this would be fine opportunity for you to explain what’s made you so successful, to ease up some of the mystery around you in Rangers fandom…

M: No, De Guillermo no ‘e-lab-o-rate’. De Guillermo do describe, though.

K:  Please do, The Guillermo.

M: I peech good because I chrow fassball well. Also, when I need, how you say, a ‘lil peek me up’, I drink from my dinosaur blood. It make me more strong, more chrow fassball.

K: Dinosaur blood? What exactly is that?

M: Choo innernet guy is dumb, mang. Is blood from dinosaur I keel. I think is vee-loci-rapper. I keel in off-season.

K: Where did you find a velociraptor to kill in the year 2009? According to all science, dinosaurs either went extinct millions of years ago, or there bones were placed underground by Satan recently to confuse humans.

M: No way mang, dinosaur all over the place where I come from. They blood make you strong. I geev you some, but then you no let me dance wit’ choor gir-frien’.

K: This is fascinating stuff, Guillermo..

M: DE GUILLERMO!

K: Sorry, sorry, the Guillermo.. this is truly fascinating. Could you elaborate… I mean, describe… on how you think the rest of the season will pan out for you?

M: Jon Daniels make call to me some time, say ‘We need De Guillermo for bullpen.’ First, I tell him ‘De Guillermo no fight bulls, only reptile. De Guillermo have love for all mammalls, except filty Yeti ********.’ Jon Daniels be confuse, he say ‘We want you chrow fassball at level Mayor League.’ Then, I go to Mayor League and chrow fassball, make hitter be sad, tell heem I dance wit his girl-frien’.

K: To wrap things up, today The Guillermo, other than throwing fastballs, killing dinosaurs, and dancing with other men’s girlfriends, are there any other messages you’d like me to convey to Rangers’ fandom?

M: Yes. Tell theem no do drug. Drug bad for hoo-mans. Make you weak when zombies attack. I seen it, man, I have to chrow many fassball at zombie attack my village. Also, I play Wor’d of Warcraf’. Come find De Guillermo if choo want me chrow fassball at Dungeon boss for choo.

K: Thank you for the interview, The Guillermo, I’ve been both fascinated and a little terrified. Maybe we’ll speak again after the season?

M: Affer season, De Guillermo bery busy. But he make time to talk to innernet nerds if village is safe and arm need rest from chrow too many fassball.

There you have it, the complete, unedited, and totally imagined interview with The Guillermo Moscoso. I think you’ll all join me in saying thank you to The Guillermo, and sincerly hope that he remains a key piece of our bullpen in the future, if only to make C.J. Wilson seem normal by comparison.

I predict that the Rangers will go 0-9 during this
stretch, scoring only 6 runs on 108 hits and 2 walks.  They will strike
out at least 700 times.  Hank Blalock will get drunk on his way to the
airport in San Diego, storm the cabin once the plane is in the air, and
fly it to Japan.  There the Rangers will prove successful in a hostile
takeover bid of the Nippon Ham Fighters and reconstitute their careers,
but not for long because none of them can hit a shuuto.

-Black Francis

I’ve been watching Rangers games ever since the guy who used
to sleep with my mother took me to one when I was 27-years-old, so I know a
thing or two about grading prospects. Here’s what I look for in a prospect:
facial hair, batting average, sense of humor, and hat size.

I’ve been very impressed with Oklahoma Redhawks’s first
baseman, Royce Huffman. He’s 31-years old, so he’s got experience, a 287
average – that’s third on the team!, and he’s got that 5 o’clock shadow that all the great ones have. He’s also
got a giant head, and I bet he knows a lot of knock-knock jokes.

I don’t get the whole Justin Smoak, Chris Davis argument. I
mean, if Smoak is so great, why isn’t he in triple-A? Chris Davis has a
terrible average, and his facial hair reminds me of my uncle who used to make
me reach in his pocket for nickels (I can’t say more because Uncle Chester said
I’d get in trouble if I told anyone).

In summary, it’s Huffman time in Texas.
The TCU grad is the answer at First Base. Next week, I’ll tell you about our SS
of the future: Adam Fox.–egriffey

Rangers

Lettuce – 2B
FOTF – 3B
Bank – DH
Nellie – RF
Murph – LF
Byrd – CF
Crush – 1B
SaltyDog – C
Elvis – SS

Sawx

Midget – 2B
Glass Man – RF
Walks God – 1B
Bayside – LF
Rusty Hips – 3B
Artist formerly known as Big Papi – DH
Cap’n – C
Bellsbury – CF
Crotch-grabber – SS

Pitchers: Millstone (TEX) vs. Wheat Penny (BOS)

Need help with the nicknames? Watch the game.

Maybe it’s just me, but this lineup doesn’t scare me that much (Sawx). Last four hitters for them don’t exactly make me need to reach for a new pair of pants.

Check back for random comments during the game.

GoDMurphy

In the meantime, go Rangers!  Tonight against BOS.