Strangers Exclusive: Guillermo Moscoso Interview

We here at The Strangers have a rare treat for to day indeed, we have scored an exclusive interview with a pitcher you all know and love (despite his girlish figure)- Guillermo Moscoso! Guillermo was kind enough to allow our intrepid reporter Keynes to imagine an entire conversation with him that left us shocked, awed, and frankly a little frightened at the prospect of this madman potentially having millions of dollars at his disposal as his career develops. With no further ado-

KEYNES: Hey Mr. Moscoso, thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to not actually speak to me today.

MOSCOSO: No call me ‘Meeester Moscoso’. I prefer you call me ‘De Guillermo’.

K: Of course, no problem, Guillermo. My first que…

M: (interrupting me) No is Guillermo. Is ‘De Guillermo’. Like choo no go to store, choo go to ‘de store’. Choo deeg?

K: My apologies, The Guillermo. Now, for my first quest…

M: Mush better. Now you ask question, then you pay me, right?

K: …That’s not what we agreed to, I’m sorry but I won’t be able to pay you for this interview…

M: No pay De Guillermo? Oh, De Guillermo have fassball in future for you, my frien’!

K: Maybe there’s something else we could work out, I could talk about you a little more on the blogs, get you name out there a little more…

M: Or I dance wit your gir-frien’.

K: …I’m sure something could be worked out. Could you elaborate on the success you’ve had at the Triple A level this year?

M: No.

K: This… this would be fine opportunity for you to explain what’s made you so successful, to ease up some of the mystery around you in Rangers fandom…

M: No, De Guillermo no ‘e-lab-o-rate’. De Guillermo do describe, though.

K:  Please do, The Guillermo.

M: I peech good because I chrow fassball well. Also, when I need, how you say, a ‘lil peek me up’, I drink from my dinosaur blood. It make me more strong, more chrow fassball.

K: Dinosaur blood? What exactly is that?

M: Choo innernet guy is dumb, mang. Is blood from dinosaur I keel. I think is vee-loci-rapper. I keel in off-season.

K: Where did you find a velociraptor to kill in the year 2009? According to all science, dinosaurs either went extinct millions of years ago, or there bones were placed underground by Satan recently to confuse humans.

M: No way mang, dinosaur all over the place where I come from. They blood make you strong. I geev you some, but then you no let me dance wit’ choor gir-frien’.

K: This is fascinating stuff, Guillermo..

M: DE GUILLERMO!

K: Sorry, sorry, the Guillermo.. this is truly fascinating. Could you elaborate… I mean, describe… on how you think the rest of the season will pan out for you?

M: Jon Daniels make call to me some time, say ‘We need De Guillermo for bullpen.’ First, I tell him ‘De Guillermo no fight bulls, only reptile. De Guillermo have love for all mammalls, except filty Yeti ********.’ Jon Daniels be confuse, he say ‘We want you chrow fassball at level Mayor League.’ Then, I go to Mayor League and chrow fassball, make hitter be sad, tell heem I dance wit his girl-frien’.

K: To wrap things up, today The Guillermo, other than throwing fastballs, killing dinosaurs, and dancing with other men’s girlfriends, are there any other messages you’d like me to convey to Rangers’ fandom?

M: Yes. Tell theem no do drug. Drug bad for hoo-mans. Make you weak when zombies attack. I seen it, man, I have to chrow many fassball at zombie attack my village. Also, I play Wor’d of Warcraf’. Come find De Guillermo if choo want me chrow fassball at Dungeon boss for choo.

K: Thank you for the interview, The Guillermo, I’ve been both fascinated and a little terrified. Maybe we’ll speak again after the season?

M: Affer season, De Guillermo bery busy. But he make time to talk to innernet nerds if village is safe and arm need rest from chrow too many fassball.

There you have it, the complete, unedited, and totally imagined interview with The Guillermo Moscoso. I think you’ll all join me in saying thank you to The Guillermo, and sincerly hope that he remains a key piece of our bullpen in the future, if only to make C.J. Wilson seem normal by comparison.